


This Too Shall Pass

by Amaria_Anna_D



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 14:30:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8493484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amaria_Anna_D/pseuds/Amaria_Anna_D
Summary: Steve has to reconcile his expectations with reality after Bucky is taken out of the ice post CA:CW.





	

This Too Shall Pass

 

Bucky is frustrated more often that Steve would actually admit to Sam or Natasha. His temper get short for no reason, and he often falls into depression for too many reasons. Steve wishes he could say that since coming out of the ice things have gone great—like he was so sure they would. In his head, this all had been much easier. Buck would wake up and somehow years of Hydra could be wiped from his mind almost instantaneously. Real life is nothing like that dream. There are tears and bouts of rage that didn’t exist in his little fantasy. His dreams certainly didn’t include a birthday cake being tossed into the trash before it was even cut.

It was Bucky’s birthday—his first one that anyone would bother celebrating in decades. On his way home, Steve picked up a chocolate cake and a pizza from that place that Bucky liked a block or so away from their apartment. He even gave into the temptation to grab a bouquet. Buying flowers for another man wasn’t something that anyone would have considered back when they were younger, but these days it didn’t seem so strange at all. The truth was that surprising Buck for his birthday made Steve giddily happy to the point that he was actually whistling as he stood in the elevator. His good mood lasted until the second he opened the door.

On the living room floor, Bucky sat cross legged with dozens of old photos spread out on the coffee table. Most of them had been retrieved from the Smithsonian, but even at a distance, Steve could pick out some that had been mailed over by Bucky’s great nephew in Idaho. The fact that his boyfriend was reminiscing wasn’t what truly bothered Steve. They’d looked over most of the photos together back when Bucky first came home. What set him on edge was that vacant look in Bucky’s blue eyes. It was the kind of haunted expression that he used to associate most with the Winter Soldier, but nowadays realized that Bucky was trying to distance himself from his feelings.

Without a word, Steve unloaded his arms on their kitchen island before padding over and taking a seat next to Bucky. For his part, the brunet barely seemed to register that Steve was there until he wrapped his arms around Bucky’s shoulders.

“I wish I was still on ice,” he murmured.

Steve kissed his temple. “I’m glad you’re not, and I know as bad as things can be, there is still a lot of good in life to be lived.”

“They’re all gone,” Bucky murmured. He pulled a picture of himself with his younger sister from the stack. The pair of them were in their Sunday best—probably for Easter, Steve assumed—and smiling broadly. “You and I are the only ones in any of these pictures still alive.”

“I know, Buck.” Steve swallowed a knot in his throat and tried to paste on a smile. “But we’re getting a second chance, and I think everyone would be happy to see that.”

In response, Bucky pulled another picture from the pile and stared at it for a moment before showing it to Steve. “Even him? Would he be glad I’m getting a second chance?”

Howard Stark stared out of the photo with a roguish smile that Steve had once envied. He never got to understand what lay behind that smile until he got to know Tony years later. Back then, Steve would have said: _“Yes, Howard would understand that it wasn’t really you.”_ Now, he wasn’t so sure. Instead of answering, Steve plucked the photo from Bucky’s metal fingers and set it back amongst the others.

“Should I call Amanda?” he asked, reaching for his cell phone to dial the therapists number.

Bucky shook his head. “She can’t fix this.”

“The therapy isn’t about fixing you,” Steve argued, quoting the words that had been said to them both over and over since the whole process began.

Again, Bucky shook his head.“Do you think if we asked T’Challa that he’d put me back under?”

The question felt like a knife straight into Steve’s gut. It wasn’t the first time he’d heard Bucky say something like that, but it still hurt. Tugging at Bucky’s shoulders until he laid his head against Steve’s chest, he tried to think of something to say, but only one thing came to mind. “Why?”

“Because there are millions of people who deserve to still be here and aren’t. Hell, I’m the reason for more than I’d like to say. I know that it wasn’t _me_ doing those things, and I know that the guilt I’m feeling won’t bring them back.” Bucky let out a humorless laugh. “I’m too chicken shit to kill myself—I’m too afraid of what’s possibly waiting for me on the other side—but an ice nap sounds so damn good sometimes. I never even dreamed when I was under. It was just peaceful.”

“I’m glad you’re here. Surviving everything you went through must have been harder than anything I can imagine, but you did survive. We both lived longer than either one of us could ever have dreamed. And I get that you wish that you could trade your life to bring back even just one person that you think deserves it more, but it doesn’t work like that. All we can do is try to live our lives now and accept that we have the right to be happy,” Steve said, running his fingertips lightly through Bucky’s hair. “Would it help if we both went to see Amanda tomorrow?”

Bucky gave an almost imperceptible nod. “Can we just forget about… about today though? I don’t think I can do it.”

“All right,” Steve agreed. He pulled himself to his feet slowly. “Why don’t you pick up the pictures and I’ll reheat the pizza for us? We can do whatever you want after dinner...even if it’s nothing.”

“Anything?” Bucky asked with a slightly raised brow.

“Anything,” Steve conceded. “Even _that_.”

In the end, Steve chucked the cake in the trash and put the flowers in a small vase on the kitchen island. They ate, and then curled up on the couch watching Bucky’s new favorite movie. Why out of any movie that had been made in the entire time they’d been frozen Buck would choose Major League as his absolute favorite, Steve would never know. They’d watched it so many times that Steve could quote most of it from credit to credits verbatim. But if it made Bucky smile even a little on days like today, he’ll gladly watch Charlie Sheen as a pitcher.

No, this wasn’t the life that Steve had envisioned for them. Things are harder than he’d thought they would be. Some days, he doesn’t feel like they’re gaining any ground on Bucky’s problems at all. The weight of just how much suffering he’s endured threatens to crush them both. But those days are becoming fewer and fewer. Even now, Steve thinks that maybe next year, he’ll try baking a cake on his own. Maybe he’ll even do something else wildly romantic. This year didn’t go as planned, but maybe next year…


End file.
